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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25988167">and, yet, i am here</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/rilesk/pseuds/rilesk'>rilesk</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Marvel Cinematic Universe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 12:20:59</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>755</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25988167</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/rilesk/pseuds/rilesk</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>somehow, the feeling that is so much worse than fear is doubt. doubt at what you have been, what you are, and what you may or may not become. </p>
<p>it's a feeling tony knows well, and a feeling that may very well never leave that uncomfortable spot in his chest and his stomach and his brain- despite how it consumes him, he can try to be hopeful. there is still so much to come- he hopes.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>or, a somewhat angsty, badly written drabble for sarah, who i met not even 12 hours ago but is all i can think about because we're way too similar. p.s: sarah, please don't yell at me for not sleeping before we go get breakfast at the dining hall together lmao</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>and, yet, i am here</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tonystarkisadad/gifts">Tonystarkisadad</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>i'm more of a marvel netflix girl myself, but i'm taking a shot at this anywho</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>tony knew full well- or knew that he should know- that humans cannot be replaced with material things. a living, breathing human couldn’t be taken place of by anything; not even MIT’s colossal campus and slightly-outdated buildings. there was a gaping feeling above his ribs and within his chest. a void that filled itself with darkness, sometimes overtaking him like an ink spill that clogged his lungs until he could not breathe, could not think, could not see more than two feet in front go him.</p>
<p>	as much as tony could try to hide this with a sneer, a snarky comment, a joke, it always came crashing down. while it was true that sometimes the facade lasted longer than others- sometimes a day, sometimes months until he eventually broke down. but he pushed that from his mind for now and focused on the commons in front of him, navigating his way to the engineering building. </p>
<p>	he was fifteen years old. he was alone on campus. he was upset, he was nervous (would he ever make his dad proud of him? would his dad ever even care? would he be able to swallow his pride and visit them more often?), he was terrified. the classes were the least of his worries, since tony knew he could practically do all of it in his sleep anyways. in fact, once in awhile he woke up from a nap with a finished essay or assignment that he didn’t remember finishing before falling asleep.</p>
<p>	“this is easy.” tony assured himself, staring up at the main engineering building. “i’m going to be alright- i’m not even nervous,” he lifted his shoulders in a weak shrug, turning on his heel and heading to his dorm.</p>
<p>	at one point or another, tony needed to separate himself from the dread that came from the idea of being successful- the idea of being enough. he didn’t care if he made his dad proud. he was here to make himself proud, end of story. tony had made it here, and that was all that mattered to him for now.</p>
<p>	right?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>~</p>
<p> </p>
<p>	it’s easy to spot. tony isn’t quite sure whether it’s the slightly-too-hopeful eyes, or the almost annoyingly endearing enthusiasm, but it’s easy. and it’s funny that it’s easy because all things considered, it shouldn’t be. they really couldn’t be more different at face value- but he sees himself in peter. and when he starts thinking of peter as a son (a thought not just tucked into the back of his mind, but wrapped in rope, twine, and duct tape, thrown into the back of a pickup and driven off a cliff into the atlantic) he’s terrified.</p>
<p>	god, he’s terrified.</p>
<p>	tony knows peter is starting to see him as, at the very least, a mentor. he suspects peter is starting to see him as a father figure, and he’s hardly ever wrong, ever. and, fuck, how is he supposed to be a good father figure, mentor, leader, husband- when he isn’t quite sure he even knows how to be a decent person? it was as though the universe were playing a cruel trick on him. taunting him and his ‘daddy issues’, and the fear he had of ever making a human child feel like their father hated them, was annoyed by them- ever making a child feel how tony felt. he doesn’t want that, and he surely can’t handle it.</p>
<p>	he wonders if he will ever stop being scared of it. he wonders if he will ever be able to put into words what “it” actually is.</p>
<p>	tony watches with pain as the same darkness that filled him so often, and still makes an occasional appearance, spreads across peter. watches as he falls to the floor, gasping for air, repeating that he doesn’t know why he’s on the floor, why he’s having trouble breathing, why he’s shaking, sobbing, gasping.</p>
<p>	all he can do- all he knows to do- is wait for peter to take a few deep breaths, put his mask back on… and catch him. catch peter as he inevitably tries to stand after a panic attack, and fails because he doesn’t acknowledge when he hasn’t properly cared for himself.</p>
<p>	it’s too familiar. sickeningly so. all tony can do is be there for peter, as he was never there for himself. </p>
<p>	tony never thought he would live this long, and that is a thought that crosses his mind often, though quickly shooed away.</p>
<p>	he is here. and he will catch peter every time.</p>
<p>	he is here.</p>
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